What Mom Really Wants for Christmas
You made it through the "Pandemic Christmas of 2020," and the mothers in your life swear they loved the new foot bath you gave them; and that receiving a copy of Mari Kondo's book really did bring them joy as they organized the house yet again.
But now, nearly 365 days later, you're met with that annual nagging quandary of what to get the most important women in your life.
Sure, she says she "just wants everyone to be happy" and "doesn't need anything," — two statements that even I have uttered a few times this season — but let's break it down. This is the list of things mom really wants for the holidays this year.
1. A vacation alone. Don't get me wrong, we all LOVE our families, children and pets, and have relished in every pandemic-filled moment at home with loved ones. But now it's time for a little break. Mom needs a vacation — by herself. Book the lady a first-class plane ticket and send her a to a spot off of Sunset Drive. (Or maybe just give her a few hours to watch "Selling Sunset" without interruption. That's close, I guess.)
2. An in-home chef. "The Joy of Cooking" is a great cookbook title, but my joy left the kitchen sometime in February. A chef with a great attitude and a willingness to do dishes is welcome at my house anytime.
3. Her very own glam squad. Maybe it's all the reality TV I've watched (again) this year, but I'm convinced that all "real housewives" should also have their own team of stylists, make-up artists and beauticians to make sure their look is on point for afternoon pick-up.
4. A "beer fridge" full of ice cream. This really needs no explanation, except to say she would like this somewhere the kids won't find it — like the laundry room.
5. A day with the ladies of "The Home Edit." Clea and Joanna are everything. I just know that if I had a day with them, not only would the basement's storage closet of death beam with organizational glow, but I would have new BFFs for life.
6. A handy-person service. Remember that squeaky door she's always asking you to fix when you're home for Thanksgiving? Or that shelf in the bathroom that's never been hung quite right? Here's your chance to take all those moments of "I'll get to that later" and turn yourself into a hero by hiring someone who is a pro with a level, wrench and hammer, and is paid to get it done right the first time.
7. Diamonds. Always.
8. Puppies. After discovering voice-over dog clips on TikTok — and watching them for hours on end — it's time for a puppy (or two) of her own. Pre-potty trained (of course) and filled with affection, adoration and love.
9. Celebrity affirmation. And I don't mean from the corny pre-recorded celebrity message site. Mom wants the real George Clooney to call her and tell her what a great person she is, and that she's a good mom. I guess you could do that, too, but it's not quite the same...
10. Tickets to the #IMOMSOHARD standup comedy tour. After another year that could bring any mom to tears, give her a reason to laugh instead. (P.S. This is actually a really good idea.)
So even if mom really does mean it when she says "I just want everyone to be healthy and happy," perhaps this list will provide a bit of inspiration for giving the gal who gives it all a wonderful present under the tree this year.