Stop sweating the small stuff, and reset your values instead

Do you and your partner ever have an argument that's really not about the thing you were arguing about? If you say no, then I wish you a hearty congratulations for somehow mastering exemplary communication, and you can stop reading now.

But if you're like most people who find themselves in a partnership, then you've probably argued and likely argued about something small that was rooted in how you were feeling about something bigger. Or perhaps you're like me, and all the small stuff matters a lot, but you don't even know why.

Recently, my husband and I found ourselves in the middle of a familiar argument about — of all things — the laundry and state of the dishes in the kitchen sink. When things aren't picked up or the dishes have sat too long for my preference, it's fair to say I'm the one who gets frustrated and throws in the flag. This topic is one that really bothers me, but that my husband can easily shrug off as not important in the big picture.

To be honest, neither of us is wrong.

After taking a step back, I was able to re-frame my concern and ask a simple but meaningful question. I said, "Having a house that's picked up is important to me because I can relax and be more present with the family. When the dishes are in the sink, I feel like I need to do them first before I spend time with the kids. This is a 'values' thing for me. Do you share this value?"

His answer was so helpful. The dishes and laundry don't bother him the same way they bother me, but we absolutely share the same values about being present with the family. Because we had this check-in on our shared values, we were able to come up with a solution that worked for both of us.

We then had a broader conversation about our shared values. A conversation that, surprisingly, we hadn't had for a while. Doing so helped reset how we were feeling about those small things we sometimes disagree on.

For us, our shared values include things like:

— Our faith journey, and how we're connecting to faith personally and as a family.

— Spending quality time with our kids as a family and being present.

— Spending quality time as a couple and building memories together in our marriage.

— Commitment to maintaining a healthy life by eating and making good food, and being active,

— Being financially responsible so we can plan and save for our future,

— Having a space at home that we enjoy spending time in, which allows us to be prepared for our day.

Once we were able to refocus on these values we both share and agree on, we were able to quickly get on the same page. For us, that meant agreeing on the parts of our day-to-day that align with our values, and letting go of some of the small stuff that doesn't matter in the big picture.

We also discussed ways we can reinforce these values with our kids so they also understand what is important and also why we ask them to do some of the things we do. We also plan to bring them into future discussions about what our "shared family values" are and should be. I imagine, as our family changes over time, this list of values might be adapted and changed as well.

For me, when I start to feel frustrated about something small, I'll now be more inclined to remember our shared values and put into perspective what's important instead.